THE POWER OF BOUNDARIES

Do you ever feel you are compromising yourself? Agreeing to things you don’t want to do, or trying to ignore behaviours that make you uncomfortable?  Do you sometimes find yourself resentful of how others treat you? 

These are some tell-tale signs that you may not be holding your boundaries and the chances are, it has a more significant impact than you realise. 

In this article, we are going to explore what boundaries are, how to set and honour them and why they are essential. 

 SO WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? 

With most of my clients, workplace relationships will come up as an issue. How we relate, communicate and feel about our colleagues and leaders often impacts our happiness at work, and conversely our stress levels. A couple of weeks ago, a client and I were discussing this, and boundaries became the focus of the session. This conversation inspired me to write this article. 

When I talk about boundaries, I am not saying we need a rigid set of rules for how we live our life, nor am I talking about values.  I am focusing on personal boundaries which apply to every part of our lives. 

Having boundaries is recognising that it is OK to say NO to things we are not comfortable with; and YES to things that we are.  

Boundaries are individual, subjective and different for everyone.  Having boundaries in our personal and work-life relationships allows us to exercise our right to choose what behaviour is OK. 

At the heart of having and holding boundaries are compassion and self-care. 

Holding our boundaries doesn’t mean we can’t compromise. It is about knowing where to draw the line, so we are not compromising ourselves. 

Brene Brown defines boundaries as:

“What’s OK and what’s not. ”

If we ask ourselves, ‘is this OK with me?’  The answer is usually an intuitive YES or NO.  

It sounds straightforward, right? 

But where many of us fall down is we don’t ask ourselves this question. And if we do, we often shift the focus onto the other person and worry about their reaction. 

Will they judge me? Will it affect my career?’ Will they be upset?

When it comes down to it - we can’t expect someone else to prioritise our self-care, integrity and wellbeing if we are not willing to show them what is important to us by holding our boundaries. 

Maya Angelo sums this up beautifully when she said,

“ You teach people how to treat you.”

Let’s try this exercise:

Answer the following questions: 

• Would you be comfortable if I smoked in your house? 

• Would you be comfortable missing your child’s school play to help me out with some work?

• Would you be comfortable if I made jokes about your appearance? 

• Would you be comfortable dancing with me?  

Now, what if I was your partner?  Does it change? 

What if I was your mother? Does it change? 

What if I was your client or the CEO? Does it change then? 

I will guess it feels more comfortable to say, ‘No’ to some people over others? 

What we feel comfortable with can vary in one relationship to another and in different circumstances.  

We may be clear with what’s ok and what’s not, but suddenly it can become harder to hold boundaries when we add in a power dynamic or a close personal relationship. However, it doesn’t make it less necessary, and often it’s even more vital if we are to maintain healthy relationships. 

WHY DO WE NEED BOUNDARIES?

When we don’t know what our boundaries are or how to hold them, we compromise ourselves. We give up ownership of our own lives and stop taking responsibility.

We compromise our integrity, and that affects our sense of self.  It can lead to overwhelm, stress and anxiety. 

Boundaries are a form of self-care, and if we can treat ourselves with compassion and respect, then we can show up for others in the same way. Without boundaries issues can intensify, leaving us feeling resentment. Our limits signpost for others how to have a healthy and nourishing relationship with us, whether that’s in work or in our personal lives. 

HOW DO WE SET BOUNDARIES AND HOLD THEM? 

1.   Identify the need for a boundary.

Aside from established boundaries which we learnt when growing up and culturally agreed-upon boundaries, we often don't know something is not ok until we have experienced the effects.  Sometimes we need to experience it a few times before we learn. It’s important to reflect on those situations we were not comfortable in rather than brushing them under the carpet to avoid confrontation.  Equally, when we feel frustrated or angry, it helps to track back to the source and the triggers.  It is here, we will find the crossed boundary that we need to hold. 

2.      Establish the boundary 

Be specific and clear about the behaviour you are not comfortable with. What exactly was the issue?  

The focus is on ourselves, not on blaming the other person or questioning why they did what they did. This is how we take control and take responsibility for what happens to us. We can’t control other people’s behaviour, but we have a choice between how we respond to and whether we accept the behaviour. We can’t do this if we are not willing to acknowledge when we are feeling anger, frustration or resentment. 

3.       Decide how you will hold your boundary. 

Think in terms of ‘when X happens I will do Y.’  We need not state this explicitly to the party involved, but it's useful to be clear what we will do if the behaviour continues. It may be calling it out. Or it may be removing or limiting our contact with that person. Talking to a friend or coach might help you to work this out. 

BOUNDARY SETTING IN ACTION

Let me give you an example from my life. Almost 20 years ago, when I was a graduate surveyor,  I was in a meeting with six men, and my boss asked me to get the coffees. I was fuming.  I felt small, and I suspected it was because I was a woman. I did it, but I was not happy. 

For me, my boss had crossed a boundary. Would other people feel the same? It doesn’t matter. It made me angry.  I was at the beginning of my career, and it was important for me to gain respect from our clients so that I could inspire confidence. As a young woman in the male-dominant Investment Team, clients would often assume I was a secretary.  I felt asking me to get coffees fuelled their assumptions as to my role in the meeting. 

As soon as the meeting was over, I took my boss to one side and explained that I didn’t like being asked to get the drinks as it felt belittling. He was insistent that it wasn’t a gender issue as that he had asked previous male grads to do the same. For him, it was about seniority.  However, his intention was not the issue. It was not ok for me.  

Therefore, I stood firm and told him whilst he may not have meant to undermine me, I was uncomfortable and did not want to do it in the future. He graciously accepted this. My focus was on making it clear where my boundaries were and letting him know in order to avoid friction and resentment in our professional relationship. 

It was not a boundary before. It didn’t need to be as it had never happened. But after that it was. 

Sometimes, we may have to experience uncomfortable behaviour several times before we draw a line in the sand. However, if a behaviour is inflicting emotional pain or discomfort, establishing boundaries fast is vital to protect ourselves and our resilience.

People don’t always know what’s ok for us and what’s not. We can’t expect others to be mind readers.  Most people will be mindful and respectful when we hold our boundaries. 

I would recommend starting small.

“It takes practice to acknowledge that we need a boundary, conviction to set one and courage to hold it. ”

Once you have done this with more minor issues, you will get more used to exercising your choice and will find it easier when faced with more challenging issues. 

What’s stopping you from setting boundaries? What would you have to change for you to hold your boundaries and what uncomfortable conversations do you need to have? 

If you want to talk it through with me, book a free 30-minute consultation call via my booking form or email me direct clare@fortemcoaching.co.uk

Interested in exploring this topic more? Take a look at:

Videos:

Brene Brown:  https://youtu.be/5U3VcgUzqiI

Ted Talk by Sarri Gilman https://youtu.be/rtsHUeKnkC8

Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend https://youtu.be/7AW9ENJIt1o

Podcast:

Unfuck Your Brain Episode 47 https://unfuckyourbrain.com/boundaries/