Let’s talk about Anger!

I hold my hands up - my kids and husband have been on the receiving end of misdirected annoyance recently. 'Pandemic life' is testing for everyone, so it's not surprising that it impacts our behaviour from time to time.  Whether it's anger or frustration, it can come out in the wrong way at the wrong person. I think it's safe to say we've all been here before, and it doesn't feel good. 

Feeling angry is not wrong, though. Feeling any emotion is never wrong. Having feelings is part of being human. 

Anger is often a reaction to injustice and can be incredibly useful. It can push us to stand up, challenge and confront tough situations. It can be a catalyst for change. However, if we don't acknowledge the source of anger, it can get suppressed and resurface at the wrong people, and we lose the opportunity to deal with the actual issue.

Learning to navigate how we react when we feel angry is trickier, but worth it as the consequences can be significant. 

Early in my career, I worked for an incredibly successful and talented man who had anger management issues. He was passionate about the work we did; however, it sometimes resulted in him flying off the handle if something did not meet his standards. Think Alex Ferguson and the hairdryer treatment. For many, his 'control and command' leadership style elicited compliance.

People would do anything to avoid a public bollocking. But what else happened? It stifled creativity.

Everyone was fearful of making a mistake or voicing a fresh idea in case he ridiculed it. For me, it provoked a 'f@ck you' attitude. Unsurprisingly, I didn't work for him for long. Others before and after me made the same choice, so the company also lost some exceptional talent. 

We have all felt angry at work, but often our positions determine how we can show it. My old boss could shout at people but would not have tolerated his team doing the same back. Therefore, he was exploiting his power. 

Anger as an emotion is not an issue, but how we react to it can be. We always have a choice. 

When I realise I am getting annoyed, the first thing I do is stop and take a few deep breaths. It is vital to do this as our breathing becomes faster, and our body tenses when we feel negative emotions, making rational thought and perspective hard. 

Unless your life is in danger, it rarely helps a situation to react in pure anger without giving yourself a bit of time to think first. Peak anger only lasts 5-10 minutes, so if you can wait it out, it WILL pass. Sometimes, I put myself in timeout to do this! 

Then, I question – what am I angry about? Is it this situation or something else?

Identifying when you are feeling angry, acknowledging it (without judgement), and investigating the cause is paramount. Pushing down our feelings because they are uncomfortable makes it more likely that they will resurface at the wrong time or wrong person. Only then can you consider your response rather than reacting without thought and living to regret it later. 

I find it useful to hit the B.A.R when I am feeling annoyed. Unfortunately, I don't mean the pub! It's a helpful acronym I created to remind myself to answer these questions before acting.

Basic needs:  

●       Am I tired? Lack of sleep is a major trigger for me. Am I hangry? Have I exercised today? 

Attention:

●        Is my attention focused in the right place? Am I really annoyed at this person/situation or am I projecting?

●       Do I know enough to be annoyed? Am I jumping to conclusions?

Response:

●       Is NOW the right time for this conversation (for them and me)?

●       What reaction am I hoping to get? 

●       Will my response make it more or less likely for the above to happen? 

●       Is my response fair and proportionate? 

By breaking the super-fast physical and critical thought process for even a moment, I find it can take the energy out of the situation, allowing space for perspective, truth, and compassion for myself …and others.