Let’s talk about Anger!

I hold my hands up - my kids and husband have been on the receiving end of misdirected annoyance recently. 'Pandemic life' is testing for everyone, so it's not surprising that it impacts our behaviour from time to time.  Whether it's anger or frustration, it can come out in the wrong way at the wrong person. I think it's safe to say we've all been here before, and it doesn't feel good. 

Feeling angry is not wrong, though. Feeling any emotion is never wrong. Having feelings is part of being human. 

Anger is often a reaction to injustice and can be incredibly useful. It can push us to stand up, challenge and confront tough situations. It can be a catalyst for change. However, if we don't acknowledge the source of anger, it can get suppressed and resurface at the wrong people, and we lose the opportunity to deal with the actual issue.

Learning to navigate how we react when we feel angry is trickier, but worth it as the consequences can be significant. 

Early in my career, I worked for an incredibly successful and talented man who had anger management issues. He was passionate about the work we did; however, it sometimes resulted in him flying off the handle if something did not meet his standards. Think Alex Ferguson and the hairdryer treatment. For many, his 'control and command' leadership style elicited compliance.

People would do anything to avoid a public bollocking. But what else happened? It stifled creativity.

Everyone was fearful of making a mistake or voicing a fresh idea in case he ridiculed it. For me, it provoked a 'f@ck you' attitude. Unsurprisingly, I didn't work for him for long. Others before and after me made the same choice, so the company also lost some exceptional talent. 

We have all felt angry at work, but often our positions determine how we can show it. My old boss could shout at people but would not have tolerated his team doing the same back. Therefore, he was exploiting his power. 

Anger as an emotion is not an issue, but how we react to it can be. We always have a choice. 

When I realise I am getting annoyed, the first thing I do is stop and take a few deep breaths. It is vital to do this as our breathing becomes faster, and our body tenses when we feel negative emotions, making rational thought and perspective hard. 

Unless your life is in danger, it rarely helps a situation to react in pure anger without giving yourself a bit of time to think first. Peak anger only lasts 5-10 minutes, so if you can wait it out, it WILL pass. Sometimes, I put myself in timeout to do this! 

Then, I question – what am I angry about? Is it this situation or something else?

Identifying when you are feeling angry, acknowledging it (without judgement), and investigating the cause is paramount. Pushing down our feelings because they are uncomfortable makes it more likely that they will resurface at the wrong time or wrong person. Only then can you consider your response rather than reacting without thought and living to regret it later. 

I find it useful to hit the B.A.R when I am feeling annoyed. Unfortunately, I don't mean the pub! It's a helpful acronym I created to remind myself to answer these questions before acting.

Basic needs:  

●       Am I tired? Lack of sleep is a major trigger for me. Am I hangry? Have I exercised today? 

Attention:

●        Is my attention focused in the right place? Am I really annoyed at this person/situation or am I projecting?

●       Do I know enough to be annoyed? Am I jumping to conclusions?

Response:

●       Is NOW the right time for this conversation (for them and me)?

●       What reaction am I hoping to get? 

●       Will my response make it more or less likely for the above to happen? 

●       Is my response fair and proportionate? 

By breaking the super-fast physical and critical thought process for even a moment, I find it can take the energy out of the situation, allowing space for perspective, truth, and compassion for myself …and others.

5 Techniques to deal with Fear in an uncertain world

As a Leadership and Development Coach, clients often come to me because they are feeling stuck in their professional lives.  What they find when we peel back the layers, is that work stress is rarely ‘just’ about work. Our personal lives, health, financial situations and environment are all interconnected. 

At the moment,  a common theme is emerging in my sessions: Uncertainty.  It’s not surprising given all our lives have plunged into increasing uncertainty. We have had to deal with the impact of a virus none of us had heard of at the beginning of the year. Other than World Wars, nothing has collectively and globally affected so many. As lockdown measures ease, it is creating more uncertainty as we must assess risk and adapt our behaviour to the ‘new normal.’ Plus, with the added anxiety of the possibility of a second wave. It is a tough time that has inevitably affected all of our work and personal lives.

In times of uncertainty, it is natural to experience feelings of fear and stress.

When we are in a state of stress for prolonged periods, it can have serious effects on our sleep patterns, memory, ability to learn and our perspective. When we feel powerful emotions linked to fear our fight, flight or freeze response activates. This was appropriate for early humans to help them react to physical dangers.  Today, psychological threats and pressures of modern life can also trigger this response. In the latter case, it's not always useful as it often results in us becoming irrational, illogical and overreacting.  Sometimes, we may even regret our actions when we calm down because, quite simply, we really weren’t thinking straight. 

When fear takes over, it affects our capacity for focus, creativity, leadership and empathy. 

Uncertainty is a fact of life. It always has been, even before Covid-19. While we try to fool ourselves into thinking we are in control, the fact remains that as much as we plan and organise our lives, there is no certainty. 

But rather than being crippled by this, and allowing it to minimise our potential, we serve ourselves better if we seek ways to accept uncertainty, minimise the stress triggers and ideally reframe it. We have a choice, although it requires self-awareness, practice and perseverance.  

1. Acknowledge how you are feeling

Pause. Recognise that you are feeling stressed. See if you can trace back to the triggers. What is the fear? What are you trying to avoid? 

Notice it in your body. Is your chest tight? Do you have knots in your stomach? This simple practice of acknowledging and naming your own emotions, without judging them, can prevent you from moving into Fight, Flight or Freeze. It will also help you develop a greater understanding of yourself. 

2. Gain some perspective 

Rather than allowing worries that you can’t change to burden your thoughts, Stephen R Covey notes it's more empowering to take responsibility for your decisions,  not your conditions. This exercise might help. 

• Write a list of all your fears. The process of writing can be cathartic and can help you gain perspective. 

• Separate them into two columns: those which you can influence & those which you do not have control over. 

• Now consider the first column. What actions can you take to minimise or eliminate those worries? Who can support you? 

• With the fears you have no control over, you only have two choices - acceptance or continuing to worry. 

3. Managing the acceptance of uncertainty

If you are feeling anxious, even though you know you cannot change the outcome, here are a few things you can do:  

• Take a few deep breaths. Try some breathing exercises – it is proven that a few minutes of mindful breathing can reduce stress and anxiety.

• Have a mantra you repeat in a cycle of 3 when you feel anxious. For example, ‘In this moment, all is well’ or ‘this too will pass’.

• Rather than telling yourself not to worry (which rarely works) have a set ‘worry time’.  It might be for 15 mins in the evening. It will help you ring-fence anxious thoughts and prevent you from being hijacked by them throughout the day. 

4. If it feels bad, don’t do it 

Limit social media and news content – I cannot stress how important this is. Constant scrolling and looking at news channels will feed anxiety and fear. Especially at night. 

Review the people, the groups and organisations that you follow on social media. If certain sources make you more anxious, snooze them on your feed for 30 days or unfollow. Equally, if your friend who loves catastrophising stresses you out, only call them when you are feeling resilient and strong. 

5. Reframing

Finally, try reframing your fear – the old glass half full expression. 

Whilst this time has had many negative impacts, reflect on the positive effects. Lockdown may have helped you to incorporate exercise into your life; you might have strengthened relationships with family, friends and your community; perhaps you have realised that working from home is better, etc. As we move into the new normal, appreciate the freedoms that got taken away.  Go for the walk, the day out and reconnect with loved ones and friends. 

Tackling fear takes awareness and practice.  If it isn’t the virus, it will be something else. We do not have control over the uncertainty or the circumstances, but we do have control over how we react to them.